“Wa-wait.” She finally gasped out, when his fingers caught in the thin straps of her underwear.

Immediately his hands were off her, braced on either side of her as he lifted his weight from between her thighs. Lillian sucked in deep breaths, shuddering and squirming.

“I just – I couldn’t catch my breath.” She panted under him.

Brayden’s own breaths were shallow and uneven.

“Sorry, am I too heavy?” He puffed.

“No, no I…” She trailed off.

“I’m moving kind of fast, aren’t I?” He blew out realizing how rough and hurried he’d been with her.

“No. Yes, maybe a little.” Lillian breathed heavily, averting her eyes guiltily.

Brayden ducked his head and pressed his brow to hers.

“Don’t ever worry about telling me to stop. I could be mid-stroke, and you can tell me to fuck off? Do you understand? I will never ignore you, okay? If you need me to slow down, or be gentler, Ann please, tell me.” He pleaded with her quietly, but firmly.

Lillian nodded, looking back at him slowly.

“Do you want to stop?” Brayden asked gently. “Hey, don’t look like that, I got to take it off of you, and that’s all I wanted.” He added sweetly where her eyes looked guiltily back at him.

He cock jumped, making his balls ache where he still pressed against her, he lifted his hip away from her casually.

“That’s all you wanted?” Lillian asked skeptically.

“That’s what I said when I had you open it, isn’t it?” He nodded swiftly.

It didn’t matter that his dick didn’t agree with him, he was satisfied if she wanted to stop.

“Hey look, 48 hours still isn’t sufficient anyway. We’re not compressing 4 months into 2 days. This is good.” Brayden continued, he meant the words, but if she hadn’t stopped him, he would have torn those panties apart if he had to, just to get inside her.

“And you’re just okay, with this?”

“Of course! It’s basically my own idea.” Brayden added smugly. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“Well, I –…” Lillian’s jaw set, and she let her courage take over. “You know what? I think I’ve been manipulated. I am a grown woman, and somehow, I’m…? Stupid?” Her eyes growing furious.

“Look if I did something, or something… I am not trying to manipulate you, okay? I’m serious.” Brayden rushed out confused, rising away from her onto his knees.

“No – not you. James! He – he used to insist that once we got started, if he didn’t finish it would be

“extremely painful”.” She growled.

Brayden contemplated, quietly, trying to keep his face neutral. He was going to be a little uncomfortable for a bit, but extremely painful was pushing it. He wasn’t going to tell her that though, he didn’t want her to know his lower stomach was starting to cramp lightly.

Lillian twisted herself off her bed and grabbed her shirt off her desk. She whirled back on Brayden.

“What aren’t you saying right now?” Looking at him suspiciously.

Brayden balked and tried to look back at her cooly.

“I’m not, not, saying anything. I’m just listening.” He reasoned.

“Liar.” She crossed her arms, in front of her, making the shirt bunch up revealing a slice of red underwear.

Brayden looked away quickly and back at her face.

“Okay, now listen to me.” He started, and Lillian nodded for him to continue. “So, like, “blue balls” is real, but it’s not painful, in my opinion.” Brayden shifted at the thought, trying to rearrange his own situation discreetly. “It’s a little uncomfortable. Sometimes, 20 minutes and you’re fine, sometimes it’s an hour or two. I’m not going to – not that I am, or will, I mean.” Brayden puffed nervously. “Just because I’m going to be slightly uncomfortable for the next like hour doesn’t mean I’m going to insist you finish me off. James? He was lying to you.” He finished bluntly.

“Oh! I’m going to kill him. I always thought that was weird, Joe never said anything about it, and we use to fool around a lot before…” She trailed off “Anyway, I’m so stupid!” Lillian blushed, pushing her hair out of her face where it had fallen out of her updo.

“You are not stupid. He lied. What the fuck would you know about it? You don’t have balls.” Brayden insisted shuffling off the edge of her bed to stand in front of her.

“I just, Joe never said anything about it, so I thought maybe he was just not saying anything, because he was always so reserved, never really talked about his like thoughts or feelings.” Lillian rambled, dropping her arms to hang at her sides and looked up at Brayden.

“Did he… did he use to make you keep going? After you wanted to stop or something?” Brayden’s voice dipped low and quiet, dangerously.

“Joe!? Oh my god, no, never.” Lillian shook her head and waved a hand.

Brayden just looked at her a raised a brow.

“Oh. I… I guess so. Not like he’d keep going without my, like permission, but he used to wear me down until I agreed to keep going. So I stopped bothering to tell him I wanted to stop.” Lillian whispered.

“Jesus, do you even believe me when I say you can tell me to stop? Lillian,” Brayden gripped her chin. “I am so, deadly serious, when I say, if you’re done with something, we’re done with it. Never let something happen because you think I want it, what? Enough for the both of us? That is stupid. I’m only happy if you get what you want out of it.” Brayden insisted, tilting her head to look directly into her eyes.

“Understood.” Lillian’s head bobbing once.

“Are you… are you going to be, okay?” Brayden’s gaze shifting to worry.

It wouldn’t be weird if she wasn’t okay. He watched her contemplate his question seriously.

“Yeah, actually, I think I’m going to be fine. I’m just pissed off with myself, not for like letting it happen or whatever you’re about to say,” cutting Brayden off before he could start. “But for like knowing he was lying to me and letting it go because it was just another one of those things about him, I had to accept. I didn’t love myself enough, or know how to respect my own choices, as an adult, yet.” Her eyes glistened. “I wasted all that time with him.” Brayden wrapped her in his arms.

“If you hadn’t been with him all that time, I never would have gotten the chance to be infatuated by you or fall in love with you. I’ll kill him, but also, I know I needed you to love him, so I’d get my chance. I mean what’re the odds you would find a slutty asshole like me in the wild, and take me seriously?” Brayden kissed the top of her head and tucked her under his head. “The past is the past. Now you’ve got the rest of our life ahead of you.” He muttered into her hair.

“Our life?”

“Shut up and hug me back.” Brayden mumbled back, letting the heat rise in his face, thankful she couldn’t see him.

Lillian’s arms wrapped around his middle, and she rested her head on his chest.

“C’mon, crawl in.” He gestured to her bed and waited.

She cozied her herself on the far side of her bed and waited for Brayden to slide in next to her. He gracefully joined her under the covers, and they faced each other over the mountains of pillow.

“Come.” He whispered.

Brayden laid back and opened the blankets up for her to snuggle up to his bare chest. He wrapped his arm around her, tucking the other behind his head.

“Is it wrong? That I’m still worried about him, that I feel like I’ll always have a part of me that loves him?”

“I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but I do wonder, if you even loved him in the end, or just pitied him, and maybe what you think is love for him, has grown ugly and little, and you think that is what love is.”

“You think that’s true?”

“The way you and Joe look at each other, that, that seems like a forever first love kind of love. No hate, or reproach, just love, and gratefulness for the chance you gave each other to learn.” Brayden continued. “I wonder if when you considered leaving James - if his feelings mattered more than yours. If you worried more about the state you would leave him in, then the state you were in. I think his love was selfish.” Brayden’s hand drawing featherlight lines on her skin.

“Where did you learn so much about love?” She chuckled in his arms.

“I knew a girl, a long time ago, who tried to teach me how to love, and be loved. She was good. We were together awhile, but I just, I thought I needed space, and she knew better. It wasn’t an epic first love tale like yours. It was ugly. But the things she told me about real love, they stuck with me, and watching you and your friends, and your relationship with James, it helped me realize what it was she was saying. Less the words and more the feelings she felt when she told me.”

“I wonder if you’re right, about pitying him. It didn’t feel like love, you’re right. Because I did love Joe, maybe too much,” she chuckled. “But it was never sad, the love was a lot of things, and most of them weren’t the right thing, but it was never sad.” Lillian whispered sleepily.

Brayden pressed a kiss into her hair again.

“Is it hard? Being a cop?” Lillian whispered.

Brayden stilled in shock. She’d never asked about his work, he assumed it was because she knew about a lot of it, given James was a cop too.

“It’s hard, most of the time honestly. Sometimes what I see, it’s a lot.” He murmured, leaning to nuzzle into her hair. “Having someone to talk to, who doesn’t think it’s just part of the job, would be nice.”

“Okay.” She agreed.

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’m your guy. And I’m sorry no one’s told you what you see isn’t normal, James used to say it was just a part of the job too” Kissing his chest.

“I – okay.” Brayden said quietly.

“I’m sorry they put you on the spot today.” Lillian continued.

“It wasn’t so bad, and that little girl, she thinks I’m a hero, and so does your family. It was, really kind, and loving of them.”

“I’m really glad they like you so much.” Barely more than a whisper.

“Me too.” Brayden yawned dropping one final kiss on her head.

His brain flurried for a while longer. Brayden turned it all over in his head, it just didn’t feel real. He’d worked so hard for this and been so anxious and nervous around her. But holding her like this, suddenly like everything was clicking into place. As if they’d done it a-hundred-and-one times and this, happy floaty feeling, it was for the rest of his life. Brayden held her closer, just in case, and drifted off to sleep.